The past few months have been months of figuring out who I am, and what I want out of life. Mostly, they have been months of learning.
Seven months have passed since I lost Ross and so much has changed in that time. 2020 has been a crazy year as it is, but becoming a widow without any warning has been the worst.
The first few months I tried to keep busy as much as possible. I built a two-level deck, resigned from my job at the library, worked on my yard, and tried to just get through each day without him.
As time passed I told myself I could either wallow in my sorrow or continue to live life to the fullest. I have control over what I do, and having a positive mindset no matter how shitty the situation is so much better for my wellbeing.
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I miss him every day and catch myself thinking about what I want to tell him when he gets home. Just last night I wanted to tell him what a friend had said, and then cried when I remembered he wasn’t going to be home to tell. It’s those moments that are the hardest.
In August I became an Independent Pampered Chef Consultant, plus a Young Living Distributor. Both allow me the freedom to improve my health and wellbeing, plus the lives of others. And best of all, I can work from home.
It took me a few months to get back into the kitchen, and I credit being a Pampered Chef Consultant for helping me get there faster. I like to cook and bake, but when Ross passed away it was all I could do to just get through the day much less cook meals I wasn’t going to eat.
When I did cook, it wasn’t much. I basically lived on cereal, granola bars, and convenience foods from the freezer section of the grocery store. Now I am cooking, and the convenience foods have been replaced with portions I have frozen. There are days when I don’t feel like cooking but I still have a home-cooked meal.
Ross wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad all the time; he always wanted me to be happy. Once I started to see through the tears I realized I still have to live. The choice of how I do so is mine and mine alone. Being sad all the time doesn’t help anyone mentally or physically, and definitely not emotionally. I am slowly moving forward; an important step in the healing and grieving process.
No one knows how another person feels; only how they feel themselves. It took me months to realize life does go on no matter what. The sun still rises and sets, without discrimination.
On top of losing him COVID-19 has wreaked havoc in my world simply because of all the restrictions. We couldn’t have a proper funeral so immediate family was present while everyone else was given the option to watch the live feed on Facebook. When restrictions were lifted slightly we couldn’t rent a venue for a memorial get-together, so we had family and friends get together in my yard after the inurnment at the cemetery.
And as of today, lockdown is happening once again so Christmas will be a very quiet one. Yes I’m bitter, but at the same time I have to be grateful for what I do have. I have kids that call or text me every day, friends who check in from time to time, and in-laws who are close in case I need anything.
There are good days and bad days, and having someone to talk to is important. When you suffer a loss you never know just where the most support is going to come from. You may think it should be your family or close friends, but sometimes it comes from someone who is a little further out of the circle. I learned that first-hand, and am forever grateful.
This is the first thing of any length I have written since May 5, aside from pages and pages in my journal (which has also been neglected lately). Life dealt me cards I didn’t like, but it’s up to me to make them work. I have chosen to play them through rather than fold so whatever comes will have to be taken in stride.
Now before I bore you completely I will close, but not before I say this: If you find yourself in a situation you have no control over, do what you can to make the best of it. Life isn’t always fair. That’s just a given. Do what you have to so you come out on top. It may take weeks, months, or years…but don’t give up on yourself.