So much for being more present.
They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and I can see how that can be true.
I think part of being human is we tend to overthink things. I know that’s the way it is for me. I’ll plan out something in my head then talk myself out of doing it. I think there are many writers out there who do the very same thing.
On May 5 I went out to the cemetery and sat with Ross. It was the one year anniversary of his passing so I took a couple cans of Guinness; one for him and one for me. His can is still there, albeit a little warm. He did prefer it on tap but a can was the best I could do. Besides, a glass just would not last long.
I have been struggling with coming to terms with how much my life has changed. I’m sure anyone who has lost someone dear to them can relate. I also know everyone deals with grief differently.
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Life goes on, no matter what shit-show we have going on in our lives. We’re still expected to show up, be present, and act like our world has not fallen apart. Just today (July 15) I talked to a man in our community who offered his condolences; over 14 months after Ross passed. He said he hadn’t seen me so hadn’t said anything before. I get it; no one has seen many people in the past year plus. (Post published just after midnight July 16.)
We chatted for a little while, and as I drove to the funeral home I cried. Today was the day I sat down with the staff at the funeral home and picked out a monument for his grave. I had considered one type, but after the meeting I opted for something different. I think the decision I made today is the right one. And to be honest, I don’t really care what anyone else thinks. My kids will have some input before the order is finalized, but that’s it.
We never know what’s going to trigger an overwhelming sense of loss; no matter how much time has passed. Losing the person you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with definitely knocks you for a loop.
I have spent some time working on a grief journal, and have made a couple versions. One is a digital one (for use with an iPad/tablet) and the other is a printable one. There’s a lot of the same content in each so buyers can choose whichever format works best for them. The printable one can be found here and the digital version can be found here. Both are in my Etsy Shop, along with a number of other printables, patterns, and planners.
Having an outlet to share my experience with others has been good for me, even if it is in the form of a printable. My goal is to help others work through their grief, plus earn a few dollars here and there. A girl’s gotta eat, so I can’t give my journals away.
What I can do, however, is connect with others through my posts. I know no two experiences are exactly the same, but by being able to share our stories and talk about our dearly departed, we will be able to move forward.
I share some of my story in my journals, and some has been shared in previous posts. I find the more I am able to talk about him the more I can move forward. And by moving forward I don’t mean forgetting him; I mean being able to live my life without him. I said it before and I’ll say it again: we were supposed to grow old together. I was NOT supposed to become a widow 8 days before my 52nd birthday!
When I started this blog and website all was right in my world. I learned very quickly I am not immune to everything going south, as is no one else. So bear with me as I work through my shit-show; and feel free to share yours if you wish. We all have something going on, and we do what we can to make the rest of the world think we’re coping just fine.